Remember me?

There seems to be a recurring trend in my life where I truly feel invisible. It's like no matter how hard I try or how much I try to be memorable, I still end up just another face in the crowd.

In high school, I worked my ass off for 4 years in the music department being a member of almost every group and even helping to jump start an ensemble. I was in the music area almost every free minute and sometimes long into the night hanging out with the teachers, practicing on my own or with a group, rearranging the trophies to drive my OCD band teacher nuts. And yet, when it came time for the Senior music awards night, I won nothing. I was the only senior who showed up to the banquet to get absolutely no recognition of the years of hard work and dedication I had done. A few friends were so shocked that they made their own certificate that they presented me the next week.

And again, earlier this week, I ran into Dr. Lucamante who had cheuffered us around in Rome at the circ desk in the library. She remembered me by face and asked how I was doing. Then, she asked after my boyfriend by name and started talking about how he wrote for the sports section of The Tower and how he'd been the editor, completely forgetting that I was the entertainment editor. The rest of the short conversation was about him and what he's doing now. Even her parting comment was "congratulations" not referring to me, but to John.

Only a few minutes after that, I got a bitchy "Are you working?" from the head of Access services b/c she's decided that my coming out to chill with Kristy at the circ desk means that I've become one of the horrible stacks slackers. Not that she has any proof of my slacking off or has any idea of how much work I actually do or enable to be done or coax into being done by aforementioned slackers. Instead, she makes her own conclusions, gives my name a black mark and treats me as such.

And then today, which was supposed to be my starting day at the Carnegie Endownment for International Peace turns into another example of me being unimportant. I showed up this morning only to find that the woman who I was suppose to get in contact with was off-site for the day and no one else knew that I was coming or what I was supposed to be doing there. I spent 2 hours sitting uncomfortably in the front office waiting for someone to give me something to do, while a very nice woman named Veronika ran around trying to find out who I belonged to. To top it all off, it turns out that I'm actually not needed at all and wasn't supposed to actually show up today. They had just "accidently" forgotten to tell the temp agency that I was no longer needed so I got to show up with no one expecting me at all.

I've had this job lined up for a month! A MONTH! Now what am I supposed to do? I was counting on that extra cash flow as well as not looking for anything long term this summer b/c I had a job lined up for all of July. And now what do I have to show for it? A day's paycheck and one woman who thinks I'm an organizational goddess. And no real job for the month of July. I planned my Ireland trip with this job in mind; I made my summer budget with this job in mind; I made plans and worked things out at the library with this job in mind. And now I have nothing to show for it. And it sucks... royally. I feel like a fool. A complete and utter fool. So what that I really helped one woman clear out her office and basically unbury her from piles that were interfering with her ability to work? The gratitude felt good, but at the end of the day I still don't have a real paying job. (And does she even know my last name?)

I know that it's supposed to mean more to touch the lives of a few people, but I want to touch the lives of many. I want what I do in my life to have a bigger impact than just a few close friends and my family. I want to know that what I spend my life working for is not just for naught. I want to win the Nobel Prize; I want t0 be noted and for once in my life be remembered for something; I want to change the world for the better.

But today just seems to prove that I'm destined to be just another face in the crowd who gets remembered as a friendly face who was quick to smile and to listen and help out but forgetful in everything else. I need something more, but I don't think that I'm bitchy/flashy enough to get the kind of attention? commendation? congratulations? that I want. So here I am feeling rather insignificant... lucky me.

Cheers.

Friday Night Ramblings

I think for once I was too productive today. Usually, I wait till the absolute last minute of the day to start my to-do list. That, or I become really productive for the first half of my list and then slack off on the chores I really don't want to do (i.e. making phone calls, doing "work"ish things, annoying detaily stuff, etc.) Today, on the other hand, I got my oil changed, returned something at Target, bought and replaced a tiny lightbulb for my halogen lamp, put up my lanterns, tried to upgrade my cell phone, got renter's insurance, cleaned up the apartment, and more....

And where does all my work leave me? It leaves me with nothing to do on a Friday night. Zip, zero, nada... Perhaps this is my fault because I didn't make any plans earlier in the week; nor have I called anyone to hang out. So I suppose I should be blaming my lack of planning. But to be fair, I've been so busy the last couple of weekends that I was thinking that a night off would actually be kinda nice... but now I'm bored and there's no one here to drag my ass to the nearest party or to convince me that I should really go out to the bar.

I think this night will just become yet another faaaabulous eye opener to the fact that I'm not in college anymore (rolls eyes). Whereas before I could wander down the hall or eavesdrop on my apartment mates and other friends for my interesting plans for the weekend, now I actually have to make the initiative. hmmm... initiative... I'm not so sure about that one... notice above how I hate calling people (and I use the word hate knowingly). But I'm thinking that at this point in my life I may actually have to get my ass moving and start stalking some friends. And I shuppose I should look on this as a great growing experience. Because life doesn't move far if you don't show some initiative or resolve. And I fully plan on having my life go somewhere.

Now to go call some people... provided I actually have their numbers in my cell phone...

Note to self: get people's numbers... then call.

Cheers!

New beginnings

Truthfully I'm not very sure why I've created this blog... I haven't even really decided if I'm going to let anyone know I have it. (I'm assuming though that I will tell a few people because otherwise having the blog would be rather extraneous.)

Lately, I've been feeling very undefinable? lacking something? unfocused? I'm not even sure what. But I do know that every time I try to think of one thing that is very "me" I'm lost for ideas. It used to be that I had so many interests that you could never pick just one to describe me; now I feel as though I really have nothing... Many of my hobbies got left behind in college (mostly because I just didn't have enough time in the day to follow them all and the fact that DC wouldn't know what a ski slope was if it landed on the White House). I shuppose that I still did a few of them... there has to be some reason I saw so many sunrises while finishing the last few pages of a book I started the night before... but for the most part my life became centered around a few central things, namely my friends and family.

And now everything has changed again for me. I feel that by leaving college I've also left behind some serious parts that defined my person. I was a college student, Tower editor, Flather groupie, Honors dork, etc. and now none of those applies. It's like some invisible hand took away everything that made me "me" and replaced it all with a piece of paper called a diploma.

So I guess in the end, I'm starting this blog in the hopes that in all my babblings I might be able to find out what really I'm really interested in and maybe even what I'm really all about... so here's to idealistic hoping (which also included the hope that I will remember to update this on a regular basis :-P) Cheers!